Ask and Answer: How do I break up with my therapist?
Dear Fellow Human:
Thank you so much for this question! This is actually the second most common question I get from people in my life after “how do I find a good therapist?” (I’ll answer that question in the next Ask and Answer, so stay tuned for that next month).
You don’t specify exactly why you want to break up with your therapist, but there tend to be a few common reasons that folks feel ready to move along. These are some of the most common:
You feel like your therapy work is done but you also have developed a relationship with your therapist that feels supportive.
You don’t feel that the relationship is a great fit at this time but are worried about hurting your therapist’s feelings.
Your therapist said or did something that negatively impacted the therapeutic work.
You worry that leaving will negatively impact your therapist in some way (they need the income, they will feel rejected, etc.)
A few things that I can tell you as a therapist:
The client is never responsible for taking care of the therapist’s needs — emotionally, financially, or physically. This dynamic comes up a lot as clients, particularly when we have caregiving tendencies, or tend to defer to those around us. If you are worried about the impact of your therapy choices, it is absolutely fine to bring up this concern, and it may be good to explore that feeling with your therapist. However, any therapist worth their salt will assure you that your choices about leaving or staying should be solely based on your needs and wants. A side note: there is a difference between taking care of your therapist’s needs and respecting your therapist’s boundaries. It is common for clients to ask for a time change that may not be available within the therapist’s schedule, or to miss so many appointments without notice that it is no longer feasible to schedule. This is a different issue.
Sometimes, your therapist may lose sight of the power dynamics that are still implied in a client/provider relationship, particularly after a long course of therapy, when there is often greater familiarity and ease with one another. In these moments, I sometimes remind myself that the comfort we’ve developed over time does not negate the challenges that may get in the way of a client expressing feelings about the relationship itself. On my end, I try to ask the client how they are feeling about the work and the timeline regularly. Some therapists do not. If you are feeling nervous about bringing up the therapy relationship, it may be useful to send an email prior to your session asking to save some time to talk about therapy business — or even presenting your thoughts in written form and asking to address them again in person. I know that I often feel more articulate and focused when writing than speaking, and this has been a helpful strategy for introducing topics for later discussion.
Most therapists are fully booked or overscheduled. What a therapist chooses to do with their schedule is, to a degree, their own business. However, appropriately changing the frequency of sessions or deciding a therapy is over is not a problem for most clinicians who often have waiting lists.
Therapists have specialties and these should match the client’s needs. If I am working with a person who will likely benefit from treatment that other therapists do better, I should refer! This means that if you, as the client, are not feeling like the therapist really gets what you are working on, it is reasonable and ethical to ask for something different. This may be clear after an intake session, or you may benefit from working with one person for a time and then transferring to someone else for supportive or more specific types of work. I often refer clients for somatic (body-focused) work, substance-abuse support, or couples therapy as these are outside my area of expertise.
If your therapist has said or done something that has negatively impacted you, I encourage you to respect your own boundaries and sense of safety in bringing this up. As a therapist, it is very helpful to know when I have crossed a line because I can reflect and attempt to repair the situation. This has come up for me in most therapies at some point, because, as humans, we make errors in judgement and have our own reactions and responses to what comes up in the room. Being able to talk about these events can, and actually has, strengthened therapies and provided good (albeit sometimes uncomfortable) practice with apologies and amends. However, there are times that you may not feel safe or comfortable speaking directly to the offense. As a client, I have had therapists say bananas things to me (I’m thinking of you, therapist who asked me if I had ever considered breast implants to boost my self-esteem!). And I have heard stories from people who have felt deeply disrespected, or have learned things about their therapist’s beliefs or political leanings that do not jibe with healing practices in the room. If you feel really uncomfortable approaching your therapist directly, a brief and polite email about terminating the work is sufficient.
Don’t ghost your therapist. Not only may you end up responsible for session fees or other financial obligations (therapists don’t get paid by insurance for skipped or missed sessions, so fees are not meant to punish but to cover the therapists’ time and income), but you may receive concerned or worried calls from your provider, or mental health wellness checks. Even if you don’t want to discuss your wishes in greater detail, close the relationship in writing.
Although many of these suggestions are related to problematic therapy relationships, I also want to speak to the real sadness about saying goodbye when you have had a great therapy experience. I often speak to clients directly at the end of our work about the grief and sadness that I also feel, and how that is a natural and beautiful piece of the work as well. A good therapy relationship is a deep connection, and it is dishonest to pretend that “professionalism” means that both parties won’t feel deeply about any change in status. I love those conversations, though, because they speak to the healing and connection that we have been able to build together. If that is your situation, by all means bring it up with your therapist. It will be a meaningful talk for you both.
Good luck, and please let me know how it goes! Until next time, friends.
