F•R•E•N•S: The One With All the One
by Elliot Alpern
3 A.M.
You’re watching our Frensathon here at Nick at Night! Welcome back!
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Scene: A suspiciously dilapidated hallway for such lavish apartments. To your right, why that’s Raych and Mon’s door — and to your left, that’s where Joey and Bing-a-ling live. Yes, we’ve seen many a fun comeuppance in this space between.
Right here.
The camera lingers; the audience buzz dies away. Just an apartment hallway, nothing moving, shot in-motion. It is getting dark in the frosted window by the stairs. The camera retracts, ever-slowly — more doors on either side, and then another pair. Backwalking down this hallway that goes on longer, and longer, and longer. Our characters’ doors become dots in the distance, eventually indistinguishable from the eternity that is this hallway.
There is no end.
“I’ll Be There For You” begins playing, but the opening riff loops over itself, never landing. Nobody ever tells you that nobody told you life was going to be this way.
This is not F •R •I •E •N •D •S
This is F •R •E •N •S
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Scene (as it always was): The girls’ apartment. Dog statue sits on wheels; Bing-a-ling sits on dog statue. Other Frens sit on the couch.
Bing-a-ling: I am King Bing-a-ling, of House Bing-a-ling; bow at my socks fair women.
Ross: Who let Napoleon drink all the coffee?
An audience member coughs. Another can be heard taking off their jacket.
Raych: Come on you guys! Do you really think we’re gonna move out of the apartment?
A knock. Matt LeBlanc, visibly confused, stands and walks to the door. He glances around, shrugs, and opens the door.
It’s Mon.
And she’s wearing a turkey for a head.
Matt: Courteney?
Mon: (Muffled)
Matt: Wait, what are you doing here? How… did someone bring me here?
Ross stands and approaches Joey from the back, clapping a friendly hand on his shoulder.
Ross: Whoa, Mon, I think you have a little something on your face.
An audience member can be heard asking for a stick of gum. Another audience member answers that she is chewing her last stick.
Mon: (Muffled)
Matt: David, I don’t really understand. I — I think Courteney might need help. And, hey, where are we?
Bing-a-ling: Dame Monica, of House Geller! I bid you good well-come! As you may observe, I have seized the Ceramic-Hound Throne, after many seasons of bloodshed. But come, the eve is young, and I would dare to…
Mon: (Muffled)
Raych: Come on you guys! Do you really think we’re gonna move out of the apartment
Matt: Uh, what the fuck is going on here? Hello? Can someone help me with this turkey? I don’t know if Courteney can breathe!
Ross: Oh my god! My class!
Ross sprints past Mon, who is now clawing at her throat. Matt LeBlanc is a gentleman; he grabs the turkey’s wings and yanks upward.
Matt: Courteney! Help me; push from the bottom!
Mon slips on turkey grease and grabs for Matt; the two tumble to the floor. The audience bursts out laughing.
Bing-a-ling: …and once, when I was but a lad, frolicking upon the emerald countryside, did I wander into the briar patch of an old woods-witch, who saw into my eyes and soul, and did prophecy my ascent…
Ross enters from Raych’s bedroom, carrying a Casio Casiotone CT-460 keyboard.
Ross: Alright guys, ready to hear The Sound?
Matt: I don’t think she’s breathing! Somebody call 911, oh god, oh my god Courteney!
An audience-member can be heard crying faintly.
Raych: Come on you guys! Do you really think we’re gonna move out of the apartment?
Ross assembles his keyboard, and sits behind it. He touches a key — boop! — and yanks the finger away. He touches the key again — boop! — and yanks the finger away again. He sweeps the keys with his right hand and lays down that sweet Memphis heat, The Killer reborn, goodness gracious great Ross of fire.
Bing-a-ling: …and, if we prize the livelihood of our great and noble people, we must sue for peace with the Southerly nations, else prepare ourselves for the spectacle of…
*Plop!*
The turkey finally releases off of poor Mon’s head. It was Phoebe all along.
Matt: Ugh, ew! Phoebe! Gross!
Matt LeBlanc recoils in horror; he has touched the untouchable Fren. Matt LeBlanc is a gentleman, but of course, that only extends so far.
“Great Ross of Fire” ends abruptly, on an off-key.
Ross: Jeez, Phoebe, you could at least let us know if you — oh, my god! My class! Oh no!
Ross jumps to his feet, knocking over his precious keyboard, and sprints past gross old Phoebe — right out the door.
Raych: Come on you guys! Do you really think we’re gonna move out of the apartment?
The audience laughs this time.
Matt: I am, just, so confused right now, but I really wish Phoebe wasn’t here.
Bing-a-ling: …so come! Fight with us, on this day, and tomorrow, you shall be kings yourselves, with crowns of laurel and shields wreathed in rosebuds, and your sons….
Ross enters from Raych’s bedroom, carrying his son Ben.
Ross: Hey has anyone seen Mon?
“I’ll Be There for You” begins playing — specifically, the riff before the very last bar. Looping over itself, always building, always approaching conclusion. Forever reaching at an exhale.
I’ll be there for you.
Cause you’re there for me,